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Date: Wed, 2 Aug 2000 08:10:47 -0700 (PDT)
From: jkschneider@hotmail.com
To: igor_nereyev@zemstvo.ru
Subject: Wassup?
yo igor,
i'm responding to your request for an american pen pal. i don't speak
russian but i'm using the babelfish translator at babelfish.altavista.com
to translate these messages into russian. you can use it to translate your
messages back to me into english. pretty wicked, huh? okay, i gotta go feed
my snake but hope to hear from you soon.
jeff
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Date: Thu, 3 Aug 2000 13:12:09 +0500
From: igor_nereyev@zemstvo.ru
To: jkschneider@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: Wassup?
Greeting of my heart to Jeff,
At last an American pal of pen! I feared the lack of English language in
the knowledge of my head would obstacle our communication, now but I find
technical virtuosity and resource in babelfish.altavista.com. I find it not
wicked. The only wicked is the lacking bread and sometimes paper of the
toilet in my city, and also wicked the old woman Baba Gfi™@/?z who lives in
woods. But she is legend, ho ho ho! I do not understand "feeding of the
snake," is American idiom? I have much to learning! Farewell,
-Igor
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Date: Sat, 5 Aug 2000 14:06:23 -0700 (PDT)
From: jkschneider@hotmail.com
To: igor_nereyev@zemstvo.ru
Subject: Re: Wassup?
igor man,
i guess i should have realized things get lost in translation. when i said
i had to feed the snake, you probably thought i was going to beat off. i
don't blame you. i guess you russians don't have much else to do besides
beat off if there isn't any bread. anyway, sorry for the mix-up. i really
do have a snake. he lives in a terrarium and i feed him mice once a month.
once my friend came over and gave him some weed and he slithered kind of
funny and then he died. so actually that wasn't the same snake at all. i
have a new snake now. i named him ozzy because ozzy rules. do you have ozzy
in russia?
jeff
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Date: Sun, 6 Aug 2000 01:43:12 +0500
From: igor_nereyev@zemstvo.ru
To: jkschneider@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: Wassup?
Greeting of my heart to Jeff,
You ask if I have ozzy, and in truth I do only when the potatoes are having
potato worms, that happening if potatoes come from bad fields. Queasy is
the stomach after potato worms if one cook them not well, and later at
night I have ozzy, ozzy everywhere! Such mess! But next day we laugh about
it because in Russia we are the laughing always. There is not beat off so
much now. In older days secret police beat off one or one's families and it
was sadness, but only now Mafia beat off people, and with payment they will
not beat you off at all. I find the story of snake interests with vigor,
because we have no snakes except in woods with Baba Gfi™@/?z and she is not
real! Farewell,
-Igor
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Date: Tue, 8 Aug 2000 15:13:57 -0700 (PDT)
From: jkschneider@hotmail.com
To: igor_nereyev@zemstvo.ru
Subject: Re: Wassup?
igor,
whoa! dude! you pay the mafia to beat you off? i mean, i heard there was
some fucked-up sex shit in russia but like, whoa! if i come to russia can
you hook me up with some of that? that's a joke though, i'm not a perv or
anything. i have to run because i have a friend who's freaking out in my
bathtub. he's naked and he thinks he's a bat. actually, he's not really my
friend. he's the guy who killed my snake (the old snake).
jeff
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Date: Thu, 10 Aug 2000 17:12:52 +0500
From: igor_nereyev@zemstvo.ru
To: jkschneider@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: Wassup?
Greeting of my heart to Jeff,
Let us speak not more of the beat off. It has memories of sadness and
afterward I am so sore and hurt very much. Right now I type from
Internet-cafe in the downtown because yesterday my computer violated from
my home by children. They will sell it for food I think or maybe try to eat
it. Ho, ho, that was more Russian amusement! I am very sad.
-Igor
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Date: Sun, 13 Aug 2000 14:09:23 -0700 (PDT)
From: jkschneider@hotmail.com
To: igor_nereyev@zemstvo.ru
Subject: Re: Wassup?
igor,
man, don't get too down. if you don't want to talk about beating off any
more, that's fine. you brought it up with that shit about feeding the
snake. about the soreness, do you have vaseline in russia? anyway, my
friend bled all over the bathtub but after a while he could walk so i sent
him home. what a dick.
jeff
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Date: Tue, 15 Aug 2000 15:10:37 +0500
From: igor_nereyev@zemstvo.ru
To: jkschneider@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: Wassup?
Greeting of my heart to Jeff,
Today my trousers were violated from my person and will be sold on black
market. Life is dismal here and all is ozzy. Mafia are reading my email and
have become anger. I think I go to feed the snake soon. You see, I master
your American expressions now, but too late for difference. In the next
life nobody will beat off and will harmony. Farewell all times,
-Igor
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Date: Wed, 16 Aug 2000 18:10:23 -0700 (PDT)
From: jkschneider@hotmail.com
To: igor_nereyev@zemstvo.ru
Subject: Re: Wassup?
igor,
you don't get this about feeding the snake, do you? no offense, but i think
people in russia are kind of dumb. it's not your fault, the winter probably
kills brain cells. like when they would send people to the gulag to make
them dumb. i saw a documentary about that and it was so fucked up,
especially the flying monkeys bit. you know what i'm talking about, right?
hope you find some toilet paper, man.
jeff
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Date: Thu, 17 Aug 2000 02:57:19 +0500
From: mailserver@zemstvo.ru
To: jkschneider@hotmail.com
Subject: Returned mail - user unknown
No delivery for message "Re: Wassup?" could be occurring, with cause
igor_nereyev is no longer registered user. For payment of 500 rubles, is
possible maybe conduct a brief telephone interview. Payment of 50,000
rubles necessary ensure freedom.
Sincere,
zemstvo.ru
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