Sure elevators are boring. Sure they're full of people and there's no space. But the fun possibilities are endless with a little ingenuity and a dildo. Here are games to play in elevators, for those long trips up more than 10 stories, or just when you have nothing better to do than get arrested.

Sex Offender:
Equipment: 2 people with fingers, healthy attitudes
Setup: Players perform a knife fight to see who goes first.
Play: Player one stands at the left-hand control panel and player two stands in front of the right-hand panel. Player one presses the 'door closed' button. Immediately following, player two presses the 'door open' button. Repeat infinitely. If a passenger attempts to leave the elevator, both players race to hit the 'fire-alarm' button and scream "Sex Offender! There goes a Sex Offender!" Players high five.


The Penis Game:
Equipment: All players must be male and flaccid.
Setup: To determine play order, each person flips a coin 144 times and counts the number of 'tails'. Whoever is more than a single standard deviation away from the mean goes first. Repeat 12 times to reduce the effects of random statistical error.
Play: Player one says 'penis' under his breath. Player two says 'penis' slightly louder. Play continues through the second-to-last player. The player who goes last remains silent but dangles his penis down the pants or skirt of another passenger. That player is the winner.


Rock Band:
Equipment: An empty paint bucket, a pair of drumsticks, a Vocifer SL5 4,000-watt amplified speaker, a 212 volt 3-phase power generator, a microphone.
Setup: Check to make sure you have the right equipment. If the amplifier is the size of a chuck-wagon, you're a-okay. Plug the speaker-amp into the generator and ignite the generator's pilot light. Set up the mic. Players beat their fore-brows against the elevator's metal siding until all but one player passes out. He or she awakens the others with smelling salts and assumes the roll of 'drummer'.
Play: The drummer turns on the speaker amp and begins drumming the paint bucket with the drumsticks at an epileptic tempo. Whenever there are two or more non-players in the elevator, all players shout "Rock Band" and crowd surf. Play continues until somebody gets a Converse in the eye.


The Freshmaker:
Equipment: Regular flavor Mentos brand candy.
Setup: Players frankly admit their IQs. The lowest IQ goes first.
Play: Player one punches another passenger in the genitals, gives the "Mentos-thumbs-up" and smiles. Player two may either punch that passenger in the genitals or opt to punch another passenger in the genitals instead. Play continues for seven hours.


Hostage Crisis:
Equipment: Ski masks or nylons, fully automatic weapons, duct tape, a cordless power drill, Iranian accents and moustaches
Setup: Wear ski mask or nylons (on head) and load the weapons, filling every cartridge and chamber with bullets. Roll a twenty-sided die to determine player one. The closest to 20 is it. Don moustaches.
Play: Player one waits until the elevator fills up, then hits the emergency stop button. He unscrews the electrical plating that frames the buttons and call box and removes the fuses for the door, control panel, and electrical override. All the while, players two and up point their carbide weaponry at the passengers, taking care to duct tape the screamers. Player one presses 9-1-1 on the call phone and informs the operator that he has taken an elevator full of people hostage in the such and such building (the hard part is trying not to giggle). If the operator doesn't immediately transfer player one to the Crisis Control Center at the the Federal Bureau of Investigation, player one informs the operator that he's going to kill every last cocksucker on board shortly after he drills a fucking hole through their goddamn hands with this here powerdrill. (Don't forget the Iranian accents, and again, try not to giggle). When player one talks to the Crisis Control Task Force leader, he demands that the US Government free his brothers from their oppression. When the demands aren't met, the last hostage alive is the winner.


Shit in the Call Box:
Equipment: Full bowels, smiles
Setup: None
Play: Everyone takes a shit in the elevator call box. Everyone wins.